Am I Wasting My Time

My friend asked me yesterday, "Why do you waste your energy on small, useless stuff? I would never do that." At an attempt to a respond I awkwardly replied with a, "you wouldn't understand, I have my own way of thinking."

Yeah... so that was bs. 

I thought about it and there really wasn't a solid reason I was spending time on what I was doing. To be completely honest, that sent me into a spiral. No matter how much work I put in or how much studying I did, I knew the outcome wouldn't be different. So what was I doing? Why am I wasting time on things that didn't matter?

I think a part of me wanted to give it a shot and hope that somehow I could achieve what I was working for. To me, I always thought that if you try hard enough and have enough motivation, you could achieve anything. 

Lets say for example, someone challenged me to run a marathon. If you know anything about me, I don't run. Heck, statistics suggest that less than 1% of the world will ever complete a marathon in their lifetime. Yet, even after knowing that I'll still gaslight myself into thinking, if I try hard enough I'll eventually be able to do it. I mean, is there a slim possibility that it could happen? A big maybe, but given the current situation, the word marathon shouldn't even be coming out of my mouth.  

Looking back, I had that American Dream mentality: work hard and achieve success. Now all I feel is stupid and naive for thinking I can do anything, especially in this society where just working hard will only get you so far. 

I find that Gatsby has a similar problem. Jay Gatsby bought a house across from his first love, longing for her. Not only is this is obsessive and stalkerish but he is beyond delusional. Seeing Daisy again and meeting with her behind Tom's back fueled this delusion to the point where he desperately clung onto the idea of Daisy and him being together. However, his fantasies were broken when he realized he had been holding onto a dead rope. The relationship had been long dead for five years and they could never go back to the way things used to be. In reality, both Daisy and Gatsby were attracted because of ulterior motives; Gatsby, a person who had always been obsessed with making it to the top, where Daisy happened to be another reason he needed to blindly go towards money, and Daisy, someone that all she has ever known is wealth, continuously longing for more stability and status. No matter how hard they tried, Gatsby and Daisy were always going to choose money over each other. 

If they weren't going to work out in the first place, should they have ever met after those five year? 

I think that this situation was necessary and inevitable. Gatsby would have chased his money and status and eventually come looking for Daisy whether that be in 5 or 50 years. He needed this to wake up from his own world and face reality. Hopefully, this provides closure for both sides, so they can move on and work towards bigger tasks in their lives.

That being said, I have a better response for you ******. Although it looks like I'm wasting my time, I want to see how far it can go. Whether it works out or I get the slapped in the face by failure, at least I won't have the regret of not trying. Who knows maybe it'll save me some time in the future.